The Impact of Recession on Relationships: Reflections and Solutions from an MFT @ Doctoral Level
Fights about money are rarely about money. There are intergenerational scripts about money and often people bring opposing narratives about money from their respective families of origin. Such polarized views may be the source of conflict. For example, I see a couple wherein the man is the penny pincher and the woman is a spendthrift. Both partners claim that they were more moderate in their respective relationships with money before marrying one another. The couple essentially are in reaction to one another and become increasingly extreme in their reactivity as they watch their spouse be more extreme in theirs. They co-create their problematic dynamic around money. Thus, underlying emotional issues may underlie money battles. And though Howard Markman, Ph.D. and director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, states that “Money is the number one thing that couples fight about in America,” what is surprising is that for many couples, money fights are not a function of much money you have or don’t have. I have a very wealthy couple in my practice, for example, that fight about money day in and day out. They have more money than they or their children can possibly spend. Yet they argue about money daily.
Money problems encountered in the Great Recession of the early Twenty First Century may, nevertheless, reflect a lowered divorce rate. People may not be able to afford two households. They may put off divorce. One couple in my practice ( http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com) came in for counseling to help them deal with this situation. They wanted to divorce, could not afford it, and were forced to live together till more money came in. In their work with me, they developed a new-found pride in their ability to compromise and make co-habitation work. They are renewing their wedding vows next month.
In other situations, people who become unemployed may find themselves at home together more often. In this increased togetherness, they may experience stress at the change. The delicate balance has been disturbed…a small change can tip the balance and topple stability within a couple’s dynamic.
In my practice at http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com, I have seen the increased economic stress resulting from joblessness lead to an increase in alcohol and drug abuse. Some of my colleagues are also reporting an increase in cases of domestic violence alongside unemployment rates. Unemployment undoubtedly causes stress, leads to depression and can lead to explosive situations.
Interestingly, newly unemployed partners may move away from traditional gender roles. Research shows that marriages with more egalitarian rather than traditional gender roles fare better. It is useful for couples to take the emotion out of the busy-ness and draw up an agreed-upon list dividing the household and parenting duties in an equitable manner.
In terms of recession and economic stress to a marriage or relationship, the more relevant question to ask is whether or not the marriage is made up of two emotionally mature individuals who do not resort to blame and recrimination in the face of stressors, but rather can unite around finding creative solutions to economic problems. For example, a return to school to increase one’s skills while unemployed may be one example of such a solution. Dr. Cunningham believes that therapy can increase productivity and one’s ability to generate solutions as less energy/anxiety is bound up in the relationship system. Visit her web site at http://www.Cunninghamtherapy.com to explore whether or not her model of practice may be right for you and your spouse. For those who cannot afford therapy, there are not-for-profit agencies that offer very low-fee services with clinical interns.
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Reciprocity Perhaps one of the most helpful ideas introduced to me early in graduate school is the concept of reciprocity. Think of children playing on a seesaw: when one goes up, the other goes down. The more I pursue my love interest, the more he/she distances from me. The more I have an “agenda” […]
Dr. Cunningham practices counseling in the heart of San Diego in Mission Valley. She offers evening hours and affordable rates. Dr. Cunningham specializes in offering marriage counseling, couples counseling, or individual counseling for current relationship issues or for personal empowerment. You are invited to call for a complimentary phone consultation or visit her at her web […]
I often tell my clients “Do not take someone else’s temperature to determine how you should feel.” At https://www.cunninghamtherapy.com most clients are challenged to increase their level of Basic self—ie that part of them that knows where they stop and the other person begins.The freedom to remain oneself despite pressure to belong to the bigger […]
The marriage and family therapy world has suffered a great loss with Susan Johnson’s passing. An influential figure in the field, she willleave her mark for futuregenerations of clinicians. I have enjoyed thinking about the similarities and differences between emotion-focused therapy and differentiation based models through the years. Susan Johnson was a visionary and her […]
In extraordinary times, we feel immeasurable gratitude to all people on the front lines of hospital care. Our international fear and crisis knows no boundaries. For those of us who are hunkered down, a little help in the form of talk therapy may be a salve. I am now offering help throughout the state of […]
Dr. Barbara Cunningham, MFT in San Diego, CA wins 2019 Spectrum Award — awards.citybeatnews.com/starpage/view/122474
At Affordable Relationship Counseling, Dr. Cunningham is always on the lookout for affordable date ideas. Below are some ideas: The nearly 200M San Diego Public Library building opened in 2013 and is free to enter. It is a site to behold and explore. On various Tuesday’s each month, the museums in Balboa Park offer free […]
At Affordable Counseling, issues of unresolved attachment from one’s family of origin are often connected to patterns of relational functioning in adult life. Sometimes people that have passed continue to occupy space in ways that can interfere with healthy attachment patterns. Writing letters and poetry to a missed parent in therapy may aid in resolution […]
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